If you know me or if you've read my little presentation, you know I was still very young when I had my first child. I have a few friends who are also parents, but the majority of them are still "only" husband and wife (not that there is anything wrong with that, and it's great that they get to enjoy being together!) But we are getting at the age now when most are thinking about starting a family and it is a subject that oftens comes up in conversation. This got me thinking - is there a right time to have children?

Couples today tend to have children much later than past generations. This is mainly due to the fact that it is taking longer to complete a degree, and that it is becoming increasingly harder to find a job. It used to be common for the wife to stay at home while the husband was going to work, but now most women are starting careers too. There are a few reasons for this, but the main one is money, of course. When both (future) parents work, the household income is higher. Now, as Christians, we shouldn't focus on money; but that doesn't mean it's wrong to earn a good wage! God likes to bless His children and I praise Him for the families than get more than enough and are able to spend money on things that they like. It's true that babies can be expensive. Therefore, financially, it might seem like a good idea to have children slightly later in life. Once one or both parents are working, it certainly lightens the burden of buying all the necessities - not to mention the expenses that come when the children get older. This is why I can understand why some people would want to be settled financially before thinking about getting pregnant. From this point of view, it certainly does seem like a wise decision!

Biologically, however, our bodies are meant to have children at a young age. I don't mean as a teenager, but it is a known fact that fertility reduces with time. I find it ironic that nowadays couples start wanting to build a family around age 30 when it is at this age that fertility starts to reduce considerably. Many studies suggest that the best time to conceive is around age 20-25, when the odds of getting pregnant are about 25% each month. In our mid 30s, the odds are already half as much, and keep decreasing as time goes on. It's important to note that it isn't just the time it takes to get pregnant that worsens, but also the number of miscarriages and stillbirths. Indeed, nature seems to indicate it is better to have children at a young age.

So... is there a right time to have children?

I don't think there is one good answer to this question. Every couple is different; what will work for one family will not necessarily work for another. I can only speak for myself and explain why Mat and I have chosen to start a family in our early 20s. Aside from the biological side of things, there was also a calling upon our lives. We knew since our teenage years that God would make us parents and we both had the same vision of a large family. Sure, things haven't always been easy financially. But God has provided for us and we've learnt to live on little money, so it isn't a worry in our lives. Plus, being parents doesn't have to be as expensive as people make it out to be. And although I do understand the idea of wanting to be financially secure before having babies, it doesn't seem like a strong enough reason for me. You could be going to uni, but once you graduate, will you take a job? Once you have a job, will you go for the promotion? Once you are promoted, will you want to buy a bigger house? A bigger car? Move again for a bigger garden? By the time we've ticked all the boxes, it might be too late to have children... Besides, in 50 years from now, I want to look back on my life and be happy with my choices. Will I regret not getting a job earlier? I don't think so. But I know I will remember the days when my children were young and growing and all the memories we will have built together. This, to me, is what matters. Not the material possessions that we can't keep in Heaven, but the children we will strive to spend eternity with.

(I really like this verse :)

"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offsping a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth." - Psalm 127:2-4

Mat and I are hoping to add to our family in the future and we have a million reasons for wanting to pursue our parenting calling. However, I realise that it might not be the right thing to do for other couples. I think the best thing to do for people trying to decide when to start a family is ask God - you really can't go wrong when you're doing what He wants!

I love babies. They are little miracles and they bring so much joy. However, I enjoy the toddler phase more because I feel we can do stuff together. For example, I like crafts, and I love that I can share this with William now. When he was a baby, I struggled to find activitites that both of us would enjoy. We are very lucky here in England to have amazing children's centres, but I wanted to be able to play with my son when it was just the two of us. Well, it turns out there are plenty of activities that young babies will love. Here is a quick list of my favourites.

- Find a mirror.

Newborns love mirrors and this is so easy. No set up to do, just find a mirror (preferably one meant for babies like you can find on children's toys). William would spend ages staring at his own face. I used to attach the mirror to his playmat and watch him stare. One time, he actually laughed at himself! Great for tummy time too : just place the mirror on the floor, it will give baby something to look at and they might stay on their tummy for longer period of times. This was particularly helpful for us because William hated being on his tummy.

- Stretch baby.

Calmly stroke baby's arms and legs, then stretch them. Always be delicate, of course, and don't force it if they don't appreciate. It's best to do it when they're fed and happy. Ezra liked when I stretched his arms above his head, and brought them back together. You can also take baby's arm and touch the opposite leg.. This is supposed to help develop a certain area in their brain (I'm sure you can find more on it on the internet if you're interested).

- Sing.

It doesn't matter if you think you can't sing. Baby will enjoy listening to your voice and if you sing the same song over and over again, baby will start recognising it. They might even copy your actions so try and do easy hand gestures. William still asks me regularly to sing the "baby songs" he heard from birth :) He's even starting to sing to his brother!

- Blow bubbles.

Babies love looking at soap bubbles! (Or is it just my boys?) This is very practical too: they learn to follow things with their eyes and to concentrate. It also helps their eye/hand coordination, so it's a bonus!

- Read and play with books.

I have always been a book lover. In fact, I even prayed when I was pregnant that my baby would enjoy reading! There are many books aimed at very young babies: books with contrasting colours (babies can't see very well when they're born) and thick pages for example. Don't try and stop them from putting books in their mouth. Let them explore! They might not be able to listen to an entire story before they are older, so follow their lead and let them have fun chewing on the front cover!

I've had it happen many times. I started noticing it during my first pregnancy, but it's possible that it happened before. It's the kind of thing most people don't pick up. However, as Christians, I believe it's important to take note all the little things said about (and to) our children. This is because it can take hold of their true destiny. It sounds very dramatic, but I am convinced that it is true and this is why I pay attention to it. Here is what I do when people proclaim bad things about my children.

- During pregnancy

When I was pregnant, I heard many well intentioned people joke about the sleepless nights I was about to get. "Good luck!" they would say. I used to grin and take it in my stride, until I confided to Mat. "Don't you think we could just refuse the sleepless nights and proclaim our baby is going to sleep really well?" He agreed, and at that moment we prayed that our son would be a good sleeper. Everytime one of us heard someone mention sleepless nights, we would respond by saying "our son will be a good sleeper", and smile. I'm sure our friends and family must have been giggling inside at times, but we believed there was something about proclaiming it out loud that was crucial. If not for our baby, then for us (as it helped us believe it was actually going to be true.) Then, when we were on our own, we would renounce those lies. I remember Mat and I laughing about how we were going to sleep soooo well when our son would be born. Well, we did :) William only woke up once a night for the first three weeks, and slept through since then! (And for the record, I slept much better as a new mum than I did when I was 9 months pregnant)

- On children and baby clothes

Has anyone noticed how some baby outfits say things like "I love mummy and daddy"? Well, it's not always that nice. This one is really bugging me because I have two boys, and most boy's clothes display sentences such as "Here comes trouble" or "10% nice, 90% naughty" (I don't believe it's right either that girls should have to wear tiny version of (sexy) women's clothes, but that's another story) Ok, so this one is pretty simple. I just don't buy the tee shirts I don't like. If I get one of those as a gift, I politely say thank you but they don't get worn. It's a shame, because sometimes I really like the colours or the design, but I can't bring myself to make my sons wear something that proclaims negative things.

- The odd comment to me

Most of the time, it happens from mothers of older children who are having a hard time because their child is teething / hitting / biting / screaming etc. They will ask "is William doing that yet?" As if assuming that he will definitely go through the same stage. Because the person asking is already feeling a bit discouraged at this point, I don't normally pick it up. Or at least I don't say anything in front of them, - (other than "no") However, I silently bring it to God. Occasionnally, I answer "it won't happen" (and I wish I did it more). But this is usually if the person says something along the lines of "You'll see when William starts hitting..." because this is implying that he will hit. I'm not saying some children don't go through these stages, but I don't know that it's compulsory. I just think it's not helping them to assume that it is going to happen. We need to have positive expectations of our children!

- The odd comment to them

"Haha, you're a naughty boy, aren't you?" or "Come here, little devil". I know they don't mean to offend but this really bothers me. No, my son is NOT naughty, and he is definitely NOT a little devil. Yes, occasionnally, he does silly things, but it is mostly because he does not know he shouldn't be doing them. When he does know, I agree that his behaviour was naughty, but I make it a point to always say that it is not who he is. In this case, I always correct the person out loud. This is very important to me because my child is standing right there listening to the conversation and I want him to hear that I don't believe those lies. I will say "he's not a little devil, he's a really good little boy!" and add something like "look what he's done today!" I want my sons to know I am proud of who they are.

 "Life and death are in the power of the tongue"

- Proverbs 18:21

When I was pregnant for the first time, I read every magazine and spent hours online to prepare myself for the big change that was coming. I thought nothing would surprise me - but I couldn't have been more wrong! Here are five things I wish I'd known prior to giving birth.

1- You're expected to care for your baby.

Ok, confession time: I forgot to change my baby's nappy for the first 12 hours after he was born. Not only that, but I also forgot to feed him. I feel horrible just writing this, because of course it's obviously obvious. Except I was exhausted and it didn't occur to me that I should care for him since nobody asked me to do so (yes... I was VERY tired). So we both slept, all night, blissfully content. And I didn't tell the midwife the next morning when she asked me if my son had plenty of wet nappies. I sheepishly said yes, proceeded to change his nappy for the first time and ooh! A poo.

2- You're expected to know how to care for your baby.

After I realised that I was the mum and that I didn't need to ask for permission before caring for my baby (duh), it soon dawned on me that I had never cared for a baby before. How was I supposed to clean his umbilical cord? Was I allowed to do it with my eyes shut, because, really, it looks horrible? How often did I have to bathe him? Was I meant to cut his fingernails? I had no idea. Luckily my mum stayed with me for a few days and I just pretended to "let her" look after her first grandson. She didn't make fun of me when I asked, although she did laugh when she saw Mat change his first nappy as he was taking ages (I even took a video, so I have proof. I would post it here but it's reaaaally long.)

3- You still look pregnant after you've had your baby.

When I walked into the maternity unit for the first time, I crossed path with a young mum-to-be. Or so I thought, as it turned out she had given birth the day before... I'm so glad I didn't say anything stupid to her (you know, like "I bet you can't wait to meet your baby!") Sure enough, a few days after I had William, I still looked about 5 months pregnant. And yes there are some women who lose their bellies straight away (I was one of those when I had my second)... But it's worh keeping in mind that for most women it takes a few weeks (sometimes months) for things to get back to normal. Which brings me to my fourth point...

4- When they say "get back to normal", they don't mean it.

It doesn't get back to normal. There is no "normal" anymore. I was suprised at how much my body changed during and after pregnancy. Today it looks different, but I love it. 

5- There is such a thing as "mum guilt".

Am I a bad mum for putting that nappy on backwards? I'm not sure I should have used lotion on him. Am I a bad mum for choosing to bottle feed? I can't believe I forgot to burp him. Am I a bad mum for wishing I didn't have to get up in the middle of the night? I shouldn't have let him on his own. Am I a bad mum for using baby wipes when everyone else is using cotton wool and water? Etc. But when I feel this mum guilt, I remind myself that God looks at the heart. There is no need to feel guilty. I am doing my best and my best is the best I can do :)